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Words from Before It's Too Late by Goo Goo Dolls.
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Monday, April 07, 2008
too much
Should I elaborate more on today? Im fucking pissed off.
If I to lie to my parents I will hence did it last time then now. WTF! They should know me better by now. I am in school helping out with netball decoration and admin stuff. Yet he thinks I'm lying. For good sake uh. I'm gg to be 19 years old soon yet they are treating me as if I'm 9 years old. hais. They discourage then encourage me. Am I a doll to them? No feelings? Whatever I do is WRONG! Never was right. Ya, my sister is good, filial and so on. I'm not? hah. Then go on and ask ur filial daughter to do everything for you. Why me? Irritating. I felt so disheartened and sad. I cried. Damn! They made my self-esteem go down immediately. I felt so weak suddenly. If only I was someone else. hais. But I'm happy enough to have this family eventhough what is happening right now. I'm keeping quiet & wont talk anything. I feel like shutting myself up. That what he wanted? OK with me.
Am I such a disgrace that I went into ITE? Am I so stupid that I really wanted to end up in ITE? I didnt ask for it. I've never wanted to be in an ITE. But what can I do? Have I not tried real hard to please them by getting good results? What more they wanted from me? I felt so small in their eyes. hais. What am I suppose to do to make them happy? Everyday had been such a hell for me. But still I kept quiet. Never had I complained. Even he didnt let me work part-time for experienced sick and getting my own money to spend, I didnt even said a word to go against him but what more MUST he stop me from doing? I'm big enough to think which is good and which is bad. I know he cares & loves but its making me going mad by what he is trying to say.
I do not know what am I feeling right now. Numb I guess. No feelings and I felt as if my blood had stop moving. hais. I really need a long warm hug to ease myself. I felt so extremely down right now. I can easily break into tears at anytime now but I'm trying hard not to. I'm trying to pull myself again cause I knew I'm not this weak. But my inner was so weak that I cant even try to held it. I'm such a loser.
hais.
If I to lie to my parents I will hence did it last time then now. WTF! They should know me better by now. I am in school helping out with netball decoration and admin stuff. Yet he thinks I'm lying. For good sake uh. I'm gg to be 19 years old soon yet they are treating me as if I'm 9 years old. hais. They discourage then encourage me. Am I a doll to them? No feelings? Whatever I do is WRONG! Never was right. Ya, my sister is good, filial and so on. I'm not? hah. Then go on and ask ur filial daughter to do everything for you. Why me? Irritating. I felt so disheartened and sad. I cried. Damn! They made my self-esteem go down immediately. I felt so weak suddenly. If only I was someone else. hais. But I'm happy enough to have this family eventhough what is happening right now. I'm keeping quiet & wont talk anything. I feel like shutting myself up. That what he wanted? OK with me.
Am I such a disgrace that I went into ITE? Am I so stupid that I really wanted to end up in ITE? I didnt ask for it. I've never wanted to be in an ITE. But what can I do? Have I not tried real hard to please them by getting good results? What more they wanted from me? I felt so small in their eyes. hais. What am I suppose to do to make them happy? Everyday had been such a hell for me. But still I kept quiet. Never had I complained. Even he didnt let me work part-time for experienced sick and getting my own money to spend, I didnt even said a word to go against him but what more MUST he stop me from doing? I'm big enough to think which is good and which is bad. I know he cares & loves but its making me going mad by what he is trying to say.
I do not know what am I feeling right now. Numb I guess. No feelings and I felt as if my blood had stop moving. hais. I really need a long warm hug to ease myself. I felt so extremely down right now. I can easily break into tears at anytime now but I'm trying hard not to. I'm trying to pull myself again cause I knew I'm not this weak. But my inner was so weak that I cant even try to held it. I'm such a loser.
hais.
Labels: weak